hiccup

I have the hiccups tonight. It's annoying. It's recurring. It's involuntary. It also got me thinking.

Last night I had a dream about my cat Del. I dreamed that he was still alive. Well, there's actually more to the dream than that, but it's all I really want to write about. Why? Because the rest haunts me. The rest hurts me. It can't be true, but I know why I dreamt it.

Honestly, I probably haven't dealt with this death very much. I've tried to just put it away in the back of my mind. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to deal. And in doing so I think I've made it like my dream. Recurring. Involuntary.

It's been two months now. It seems like yesterday to me. If I allow myself to think about it, I'll...well...that's what I don't want to think about.

Tonight I walked across something on the floor that hit my foot. I bent down to see what it was. It was a piece of Del's cat food. I have no idea where it came from. But there it was...a tangible reminder of him. Funny it showed up tonight.

Anyway...still with the hiccups, still with the thoughts I don't want to think about...still missing my Del.