My problem

Know what my problem is? I have no ambition. I think about lots of things I want or want to do. But I have zero drive to do anything to achieve them...no matter how much I want them.

Here's a list:

• to lose weight - something I truly want, but every time I start I fall back to my usual habits again, so lately my drive to try again is not happening right now
• to be a photographer - I think I have some raw skills here, but no drive to do anything about it
• to have a non-desk job - this probably relates to the above, but I don't have the drive to figure out a plan to get anything other than the familiar, comfortable desk job
• to be less lazy - you see the conundrum here
• to be a runner - again, obvious
• to finish this list - it involves way too much thought and I don't feel like doing it

Maybe it's laziness or maybe it's some chemical imbalance...but in thinking about this today I realize I want to do something about it...but ironically, as is the core problem...I don't have any drive to fix it.

Any ideas? Any known remedy in an easy-to-take form? Anyone volunteer to fix this for me?

:)

Time Change and Creepy Cat Stuff

Not the most creative titles, huh?

I can't get used to this time change yet. Who knew an HOUR could wreak so much havoc. I want to go to bed too early and then I end up waking up in the middle of the night and then again at 5 a.m. I SHOULD just get up at 5 a.m. and work out. But that seems a little drastic, doesn't it? So my body clock is way off and I don't like how this feels.

Now while I've always been a light sleeper who wakes up several times a night, I usually go right back to sleep. But my nocturnal wakings due to the time change has led me to hear and then subsequently see something I find kind of creepy. See...my new kitten has really bonded with my older cat. They're truly like mother cat and baby cat. They sleep together, play together, eat together, fight together, and annoy me together. Now...the bonding has gone a level further. I woke up to this strange noise. I listened and listened and then turned slowly as it dawned on me. My kitten, Cady, (a large 15 week old one at this point) is nursing on my spayed adult Paris. I find this entirely creepy for some reason. But both seem to like it, so what can I do? Paris cleans Cady while she nurses and both purr happily. I guess I shouldn't complain. I was the one who wanted them to bond.

Happy Halloween!

Last night was "beggar's night" in my little part of the world. For anybody unfamiliar with that....it's basically Halloween trick-or-treating done on the night before Halloween. I don't know why. Don't ask.

I live in a townhouse complex where people seldom turn on their porch lights to celebrate and kids rarely venture into. I'm happy with both of these. I didn't even buy candy for little beggars. However, to make sure I don't get any visitors, I pretty much turned off every light except of course the laptop and TV. Last night as I was getting my dinner ready (during the prescribed Beggar's Night hours of 6-8 p.m.) when I heard this growing noise coming closer outside. Was it? Could it be? Yes, a hoard. A regular sea of kids between the ages of 10 and 16 swarmed onto my "street."

Now, it was clear this flock of beggars were together and probably from the nearby neighborhood, because none of them were dressed up and all had bags for their loot. One group went up to a home that had lights on (but no porch light inviting such attention), the poor lady opened the door and clearly rejected the group saying she had no candy. Then as they roamed seemingly undaunted into the street again (knocking over her grill in the process) another group went up and did the same thing. At this point I noticed a couple of boys (on the older end of the swarm's age spectrum) loitering near another neighbor's door where a pumpkin was sitting out. The boys moved in closer and then noticed a fairly large black dog staring them down through the glass panels next to the door. They paused and then wandered back out into the street and headed out with the mob toward the next unsuspecting part of the neighborhood.

But then I noticed one brave teen make his decision. I could tell exactly what he was about to do and weighed my options. I could open the window and yell or I could watch silently. I decided to just watch...as this young criminal mastermind in the white hooded sweatshirt put his hood up over his head and sauntered bravely toward the door with the dog. He paused again to check for people inside and then dove for the pumpkin and made a mad dash away. He ran like he'd just stolen something worth more than $3.99. I laughed thinking about how cool he thought he was at that moment and how he thought nobody saw him. Heh.

I'm thinking next year I'll put a rotten pumpkin on my front porch for potential hoodlums to grab. That'll really be fun to watch.

Cellphone Panic

Yesterday I forgot my cellphone at home. I remembered it as I'd just driven away, but figured I could deal with not having it by my side for one day. It's just a phone. I don't even like talking on the phone. So would it really matter?

In a nutshell....yes.

As my day passed I became more and more anxious that I was missing important phone calls. Surely I was getting called about my recent job interview or my sister needed me to babysit or there was an emergency or I'd need to call someone and not have their number or SOMETHING!!!! I even called it twice to check for voicemail messages.

All of this is ridiculous behavior. I have a phone at work that everybody knows the number to and I have email at work that I'm constantly on (a better source to reach me than the phone even). But I was absolutely dismayed at not having this object at my side.

I left work 15 minutes early yesterday. I told myself it was because I couldn't stand another second at work...but I think part of it was to get back to my phone as soon as possible.

Did I miss any calls? No. The only calls were me calling to check my voicemail. And how sad is that?

Did you lose a pair of scissors?

Last week I was sitting at a stoplight on my way to work, waiting for a chance to make a left turn. I glanced out my window and noticed a pair of scissors laying on the cement median separating the the northbound and southbound traffic. I thought, "What an odd place for these scissors. How did they get here?" Then I had the chance to make my left turn and get back on my "merry" way to work.

Every day since then I check for those scissors and of course they're still there. Who's going to pick them up? But the question still lingers...why are there scissors there? Did someone throw them out of a vehicle in an attempt at a drive-by scissoring? Was someone doing some sewing on the back of a flat-bed truck one day when the truck hit a bump and the scissors flew out of their hands and onto that median? Why are they there?! How long have they been there?!

So many questions come to mind over that pair of scissors and it's become a little daily obsession of mine to check for them and then make up a story about why they're there. As you can see, my stories are not plausible...but they entertain morning me on my journey to work.

And so if anybody urgently needs a piece of paper cut and you don't want to actually purchase a pair of scissors, just hop out at the corner of 63rd and Ashworth and you're all set. But then put them back for the next person.

The ultimate bad mood

I'm in a bad mood. I mean...really bad. I don't want to talk to anybody or do anything other than crawl back under the covers and avoid contact with every person on the planet. My black mood started yesterday afternoon and it hasn't seemed to do anything but get worse. I think "black mood" is actually putting it lightly.

I figured perhaps blogging will help me determine it's cause or at least allow me to explain any silence on my behalf of those who might read my blog.

At work, this is wearing on me. I have to feign interest, niceness, and general decency. I want to tell everybody to go to hell. I want to tell them to take this job and....well you know. I'm not going to be cliche or funny as that's not my will right now.

Things that contribute what I'm dwelling on to contribute to this mood? This job, my lack of a man in my life, my lack of children, my age, my fat, my laziness, my gluttony, my job, not hearing about the job I interviewed for, seeing everybody else happy, seeing people not happy, wishing I wasn't so selfish, wishing I wasn't wasting my life, wanting to do something, not knowing what to do, and so on.

For anybody thinking this might be due to a monthly hormone influx...it's not. It's just all kinds of stupid crap piling up and because I don't really do anything but just stew internally about all of it, it's becoming like a swath gloom enveloping my inner self.

Anyway...that being written....and me not feeling a bit better, I guess it's time to publish this. Hope I didn't pass this mood on. I just needed to put it out there.

(I purposely removed the ability to comment on this post. I don't want comments or sympathy or words of anything. I just wanted to "talk".)

Funny and Familiar